Thea’s Ritual Aftermath

Thea had remained silent throughout the ritual but once home it all replayed in her head. She was close both geographically and emotionally to her mother – her father too, for that matter. And she had made a conscious choice not to have children, so there wasn’t a lot of punch in that…. but Oh! The power of the ritual. The feelings expressed were so intimate and potent. For the first time she really got what it meant to be part of a circle. She could see that sometime another topic would touch her more personally. When she was ready…. She felt badly about not being able to identify with their particular pain but truth be told there was another element that was going on for her.

The women’s ribald laughter had been strangely arousing. It was so freeing to connect about these intimate matters. She had always been shy about such things – it was the way she was brought up. Maybe these women would help her loosen up. It didn’t seem like they had troubles around that score, though what did she really know about them? She was committed to a solo life right now…. taking care of herself. But she could always use a little help of the non-physical sort….

She let herself slip again into that trance-like state she had been in by the end. What would the dark lover look like to her? That was a sexy vision Ursula had presented…. The Ancient Greeks were always depicted as white, distancing her from their stories despite her Hellenic heritage, but the Egyptians had some chocolate colored queens. Nefertiti for one, plus the Nubians. Maybe Hatshepsut. The myths from the two cultures were different though they overlapped sometimes…. except when they were opposite. The Greek’s Demeter was an earthy goddess as was Gaia, the earth herself, but the genders were reversed for the Egyptians. Thea began to see herself as the sky Goddess Nut – another version of Demeter as the source of food but this one arched over earth. Her breasts leaked milk to feed the land and its people. Blue with stars all over her body. On the land was Geb. Solid, manly. Of the earth. And under that? The Lord Osiris. God of the Dead.

Was Osiris the same as Hades who seduced Persephone? Is she Isis or the daughter that Isis never had? The stories seem to say that Isis continued to be a wife to Osiris in her dreams after his second death. Some even imply that Isis is the same as Mary. The Christians considered Mary a virgin impregnated by a god though they skipped over the making love part for sure. Perhaps she was also a priestess, a Magdalene who may also have made love to a god, or at least a god’s son….

Thea thought of a disturbing book she’d read. The Search for Omm Seti was the biography of a 20th century English woman who went to live at the Egyptian temple of Abydos because she had a powerful connection to a dead pharaoh from another lifetime. Seti made love to her in her sleep. And it hadn’t felt like a dream…. “Could it have been true?” wondered Thea. “Could I ever have such a lover?”

She lay quietly in her bed, naked under a light comforter the color of her body. She loved the softness of the flannel against her skin. She thought of a dark face leaning over her…. A dead lover from the Underworld. A lover from the stars….

A warm glow began to gently flicker deep in her vulva. Slick juices flowed as she focused there, a golden warmth spreading up into her belly. She could almost see the spiral – inside and out – uncoiling like a snake. The tip of its tail somewhere deep inside. Just under the hara – the second chakra – the dan tien as the Chinese called it, the body’s center of gravity. The snake’s head curled upwards and out her belly button, that relic of her umbilical that would never connect to daughter or son. The snake writhed and a song played on…. distant music. Pan pipes…. “Just to mix a few more metaphors,” Thea grinned.

She reached her hand down and slid her finger gently between lips slick with her feminine juices. “I want to taste them,” she thought and brought her hand up to her mouth. “Salty? Musky?” She didn’t really know the words to describe that taste though she’d read pages and pages in books trying to characterize it….

How would it feel to have him suddenly appear, this lover from the underworld. She let out a sigh as his strong body entwined with hers. Powerful. Confident. Gentle and wise. His pelvis moving against hers, he slid his hands around her hips and she cupped his beautiful buttocks, feeling the muscles and the heave of them as he entered her. Ahhhhhh. OOOOHHH. Her breath came quickly now in gasps, as did his. Her belly writhed against his. Her blood thundered and she imagined his doing the same. Her back arched up. Her legs splayed wide. Her fingers thrust deeply inside. Her sacrum thrummed as did her womb inside it, matching the thrusting rhythm of the earth as the male god. Geb. Green Man. Hearts beating. Ragged panting.

Thea let out a wild yell that seemed to echo through time and space. She felt the Mountain deep under and inside of her. Felt Wild Woman egging her on, calling forth her own subterranean wildness in a deliciously gushing stream that soaked her fingers and the sheet beneath her…. Sacred. It was so sacred. Sacred play.

Bellies

“So what is it about our big bellies?” Molly broached the delicate subject bravely to Thea as they relaxed on their elbows on a sunny grassy patch in Thea’s back yard, the objects in question very much in evidence. She was feeling rather coyote-ish today. Wanting to goose herself and thought maybe her new friend was up to the challenge, given all the bellies in Thea’s paintings they’d just been looking at. “Did yours come in menopause or have you always been this shape?”

“Oh definitely menopause,” responded Thea. “I was relatively small breasted ‘til then.”

“Me too. When I was nursing Ethan my breasts were large, of course, but they went back down. I could never figure out why I needed big breasts after the Change. It’s not like I’d be producing any more babies. Do you have food issues too?”

“Some. I’m definitely an emotional eater. There’s nothing like a box of Ritz crackers when I’m feeling blue. Luckily it’s only one box though and mini-binges of cookies when I’m edgy or overwhelmed. Mostly I don’t keep them in the house.”

“It’s Wheat Thins for me. With my Cancerian sun I’ve been told I incline towards emotional eating. So I figured that was my excuse,” Molly laughed. “I use chocolate to keep me going at ReBound. There are always goodies sitting around. People love to bring us treats, often homemade. In low moments I’ve even been known to dig into the instant cocoa, adding a little water to moisten it and eating it straight. Only when nobody is looking, of course!”

“That’s a good one,” Thea laughed. “Chocolate is the only thing I lie about. I still drink coffee too.”

“I had to give that up years ago because it made my breasts sore. I only have it now as a treat or when I really want to get something done. The staff love it when I do: ‘We’ll get work out of Molly today!’”

“But really,” said Thea. “I doubt that either of us eats all that unhealthily or in great quantity. Especially compared to how I ate growing up. I don’t have serious food issues – bulimia or anorexia – like some people I know. Thank goodness. It feels to me like there is something else going on. I get so jealous of people like Ursula. She seems to eat whatever she wants and never shows it. I’m sure she has other issues, of course.”

There was a pause while they both imagined being able to eat without being so conscious of weight gain all the time. What would it be like to live without that guilt?

Molly broke the silence, “I have a theory that it’s about hiding from our power. Either hiding what’s really going on from the outside world – and ourselves – or our flab is protectiveinsulation from the energetic missiles shot (mostly unintentionally) from the people around us. Or just being so empathetic. Probably all of the above.”

“That makes sense. You’re out in the public a lot more than I am and I’ve heard you talk about ReBound as a place where a lot of stale energy is flying around, but I’m definitely shy and protective about my forays into weirdness and woo woo. You seem so self-confident though. Of course, I haven’t known you very long.”

“In some ways I am and I’ve had a lot of experience with the spiritual stuff. But I know I’m not completely in my power. There are frontiers I’ve been afraid to cross though I don’t quite know what they are.”

“Do you feel comfortable in your body?” asked Thea, knowing that she herself wasn’t most of the time.

“Hell, no. I try to see my weight as a normal part of being an older woman. But I look just like my mother did which is most irritating, as I swore I never would be like that.” Molly smiled knowingly, pushing her glasses further up on her nose. “I’d so much rather have gray hair than be fat! The thing that really ticks me off is that I thought I was fat before. Now I look at old pictures and want to weep because I didn’t appreciate how thin I actually was. My mom had me drinking diet shakes when I was a teenager and stressing about it way back then. I sometimes wonder if that way of thinking set me up for this.”

“I keep going back and forth between trying to identify with all those fat, black mamas in my cultural lineage and thinking I could lose weight if I just concentrated on it enough.”

“Exactly. Or knew enough about magic and healing. Do I relax into who I am and what I look like in the now? Or knuckle in and do the healing work necessary to get to a place that’s physically more comfortable for me? I do a lot of yoga and I hate it that my stomach gets in the way in Child’s Pose.”

“I have the same questions. I know regular dieting is not the answer. Nor is guilt tripping myself. I’ve tried both and the weight always comes back. Been there, done that.”

“Avoiding dairy helped me lose weight for a while,” said Molly. “It cleared up some of my gut issues too, but the weight didn’t stay off even though I mostly still avoid dairy…. I think. It’s so hard to be honest with myself about what I actually do and don’t eat. There’s will and there’s surrender and it’s a fine, fine line there where it ought to click.”

“Third chakra stuff.”

“Duh!” Molly stared at Thea and, amazed she’d never made that connection before, bopped herself lightly on the head. “You’re so right. Stomach is third chakra!”

“Sometimes I think the fat mama image is just a black stereotype I’m trying to avoid. And that makes me feel guilty too.”

“For me it’s the Earth Mama stereotype. Which I kind of like. Either way it’s not a shape our dominant culture values. When I think about it that way I feel I should let go of worrying about it just to show that one can be smart and grounded and eat well and be FAT.”

“P.H.A.T.” Thea spelled it out. “Thinking about it with that spelling, makes it a more positive, damn-the-cultural-ideal thing to me.

“That’s cool,” said Molly. “It’s like Ursula and Pia being determined to use the word ‘witch.’ It makes people nervous and calls up all sorts of negative images and they can handle that. Groove on it, actually.”

“For me the bottom line is being healthy.”

“Yes, I don’t ever want to have to give up climbing the Mountain or doing yoga. Those activities ought to be helping me.”

“That’s helping you stay healthy. Just not thin.”

“Well, if I did it more often….”

“Or didn’t eat carrot cake from Angel’s afterwards. I deserve it, you know, after all that good exercise!” They both howled knowingly.

“The intention thing is so tricky,” Thea picked up the thread. “We so often ask for what we want in ways that our bodies and psyches can’t understand. I read somewhere that when we ask to lose weight, all the spirits and our bodies hear is ‘weight’ and they give it to us.”

“Or when I surrender to whatever wants to be,” said Molly, “but then hedge the bet a little by having a stressed image of really wanting the thinner version of the possible future me.”

“Mostly I mind all the energy it takes. It seems like there are so much more important things to focus on.”

“Sure is a good teacher though. An alcoholic or drug addict can drop the addicting substance completely – not that it’s easy but it’s possible. As embodied humans we can’t not eat. We have to sustain ourselves so the issue is always there in front of us.”

“What a journey. I suppose I’d rather have this belly as a teacher than cancer or drug addiction.”

“And I do love the way my belly feels when I give people full body hugs. There’s a lot of good energy there,” Molly said, patting it fondly.

“Your specialty. Nothing quite like a Molly hug. Cures whatever ails ya’.”

Molly grinned and jumped up. “I need to get going. Thanks for the tea and thanks for the talk. Let’s keep in touch about this. I have a feeling it’s a good magical edge for us to both make some shifts. Let’s think about our Third Chakras – liver and gall bladder. Pancreas. Owen would recommend Dandelion and Yellow Dock. Let’s see if he has some essences or tinctures. Maybe Rhea can teach us some belly dance moves so we can celebrate our bellies more.”